Bees!

In addition to your garden variety news items, I can always count on Fox News online to have some distasteful, titillating, or absurd tidbit of news. News items such as, “Weenie Dog Gnaws Off Sleeping Owner’s Toe” or “Hillary Duff Puts Scorpion Down Her Pants” regularly scream out from Fox News’ homepage. It’s the kind of news that’s deliciously tacky and brings no end to the pleasure of everyone. One headline that I’ll remember forever is “Truck Overturns in Canada, Releasing 12 Million Bees on Largest Highway.”

I know that bees make honey and do all kinds of lovely things for the world, but I don’t want to have to associate with them and the idea of 12 million bees loose in one place is horrifying to me. To put it simply, I’m afraid of bees. Lots of people are afraid of snakes, but I’m not overly concerned about snakes. Snakes generally leave you alone unless you make it a point to poke them with a stick or otherwise threaten them. Snakes don’t want whatever it is you’re eating and they won’t swarm together and chase you down just to bite you. It just doesn’t really pay to be afraid of snakes unless you live in India or Africa.

It was with great satisfaction that we paddled up to a beautiful beach after an outstanding day of kayaking. It was truly one of the most perfect beaches I’ve ever seen. The weather was about 85 degrees and sunny. After we pitched our tents, a few of us decided to take dip in the sea to clean off. I had taken great care to ensure every hygiene product I brought with me was biodegradable. What I should have paid better attention to was to ensure that they were unscented as well.

After I cleaned off, I decided to rinse out some of my clothes using the same almond-scented soap. I hung them over the tent to dry and wandered off down the beach. When I came back to the tent, I found it surrounded by a cloud of bees. Not only did they block the entrance to the tent, but they had taken up residence in my open water bottle. I was beside myself. It dawned on me that they might have been attracted by the smell of the soap.

A few yards away, I spied an extraordinarily long stick. I figured if I could get the clothes off the tent and deposit them further away, the bees would leave the tent and I could collect my clothes after dark. Gingerly, I attempted to lift my clothes off the tent frame with the stick. Serena spotted my efforts and came scurrying over telling me not to agitate the bees. “They won’t sting unless you make them mad.”

Serena emptied the bees from my water bottle and told me to just wait until dark unless there was something I absolutely needed from the tent. I decided there was nothing I needed that badly.

The bees continued to follow me along the beach, drinking in the overwhelming almond smell emanating from my hair and trailing along like dorky, hopeful, and eager to please teenage boys after a homecoming queen.

Serena continued to assure me that the bees wouldn’t sting unless enraged and that they were attracted to moisture. I tried to keep that in mind as everything we ate and drank was surrounded by bees. Thankfully, darkness came quickly enough and I was able to go to my tent. I got my partially dried clothes inside and packed absolutely everything I could for a hasty take down the next morning.

Sure enough, I was awakened by the sun and an unmistakable whine--BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! I was packed before everyone else was awake. I was up in a flash, packing my sleeping bag and throwing stuff sacks and dry bags out of the tent as fast as I could. Everyone was impressed by the speed with which I was able to take down my tent and pack my kayak.

As we hauled the kayaks away from shore and out into the water, I felt like the family in Poltergeist, fleeing as quickly as we could, abandoning the island to be consumed by bees.

I never got stung, but the afternoon we got there after my encounter with The Swarm, Serena ended up getting stung by bees--twice.

Stay tuned for Part V: A Hole is to Dig